hmm i feel that im slowly losing control of my life.. sure there are happy days but even so.. everyday slowly becomes a drag and gets soo repetitive that i just do the same thing every day without thinking. siggghhhh couldnt even open my eyes in school today :( thats how tired i am.. and so tonight! off to bed early.. i really cant wait for the holidays.. but yet i dont want the holidays to be here because i ll just have to spend more time at home with my MUM and nooo way im gonna tolerate it anymore.. its been kinda alright these 2 days shes stopped talking to me and i like it this way! no more nagging.. or CLaudia DRINK YOUR WATER! every frikking 5 minutes.. or CLAUDIA get off the comp!!! but i know shes gonna get it alll back at me when my dad comes on friday.. shes definitely gonna rant on me and get my dad to scold me well..BRING IT ON... its not like im scared of you anymore.. well i used to be terrified as a kid.. i wasnt the one getting the scolding it was eugene.. and he used to get beaten up soo badly with a belt to his butt and it left soo many marks and sometimes my mum beat him soo hard that even if he didnt do it.. he had to say yes or he ll die.. its just a matter of how tough he is.. and when my mum will stop.. but its been going on for ages and sometimes 2 hours in a row of whacking.. and eugene being a macho kid finally gave in after about 40 whips of the LEATHER belt.. and then i got paranoid that every little single tiny thing that i do will get me into trouble.. well NOT ANYMORE.. you can scold all you like and hit me all you like cos i dont want to live with you anymore.. and i ll rather just die with you killing me. and im turning 18 soon and theres no guarantee that i will still stay in MELBOURNE.. i wanna GO AWAY! somewhere else.. somewhere far far away.. far away from all of YOU PEOPLE.. and i dont want to see you guys again! i have to say i dont really think much of my family.. today for the whole of last week edmund was away.. and i didnt even have a SINGLE thought about him.. today eugenes home late for dinner.. and i was scooping out the rice and i had completely forgotten about him.. trying to scoop out 4 persons share into 3 and he eats the most.. so then the rest of the rice went on my mums plate.. then she yelled at me again.. for forgetting to keep enough rice for eugene.. cos i did leave some in the rice cooker but i thought it was for someone to eat tomorrow.. oh well pffft.. sigghh school was soo terribly boring today.. spesh 2 whole periods.. doing rates of change and chain rule.. what boredom.. then chem even MORE boredom.. stupid equillibrium.. how hard can it get.. one goes up one goes down other one goes up the the other other one goes up too.. and this doesnt affect that but then the other change will affect another thing... draw it all out and you see it sparkling clear.. super simple.. and then english.. transcription of spoken texts.. even MORE boring.. 45 minutes MORE of definitions (We already did another 45 minutes yesterday) and then some analysis of spoken texts.. right now im in a cbs mood just feel like everything will be taken away from me eventually not worth trying cos in the end its USELESS.. the only thing that matters to me now is that little bit of sunshine... but still.. its addicted to the XBOX!!! :(:( lonely.. and sad i think i ll go off now.. :( definitely not in a good mood these few days.. i really cant wait till im 18! few more months to total REBELLION! muahahahahahahh..

and lately ive been thinking about the strongest memory that i have as a kid.. and thats standing in the toilet as a punishment for not eating dinner.. for pushing my food around the plate.. some days i just have no appetite.. and i m sure i was about 8 then.. another older memory. was me locked in my parents room sitting on the bed crying the shits out because i just got scolded.. i cant remember for what.. but i cried for ages till i went to sleep and when i woke up i couldnt open my eyes at all.. even when my mum carried me to my own room.. i knew what was happening i just couldnt open my eyes cos they were soo sore.. and painful and stinging and tired.. wonder if these are all true when i was a kid.. or is my memory changing things..

Now its my little brother getting the shits.. shes stopped nagging at me and eugene well shes trying to.. but edmund still gets all the nagging.. he doenst move his arse quick to do things he ll get nagged yelled and screamed at.. whatever -.-" thank gosh im the oldest.. the first to escape all these annoying things.. sighh

MY ray of sunshinee!! where are you!!!