Mm it feels odd not to talk to you for so long.. is it normal to feel that.. psychologically.. the further away you are, the more i love you? Is that anyway possible? so.. does that also mean.. that i dont love you if youre close to me? (applying that theory in opposite).. hmmm i wonder if that will happen one day.. ive seen it happen to so many people.. eg mum and dad, their closeness after 20 years results in boredom, tiredness, hatred.. and so many more negative feelings.. that eventually what does it end up in? STUPID STUPID horrible fights.. :( so.. worth it to be together? for so long?

I ve all along never really wanted a relationship.. never wanted to fall for anyone.. been always careful around the guys i hang out with.. sure i might have a problem if they like me, or whatever, i dont really care, but it takes me DARN bloody long, or never actually, to fully trust guys, trust what they say, trust that they actually listen, but i can be friends with them. Thats the extent to which me and guys go..

Yet theres this one guy, that has stolen all my heart, i tried not to fall in love with you, but it just happened, feelings got outta control i must admit.. i cant grab hold of them anymore.. so might as well heh.. just sit still and fall in love with my nut =) heh..

Mm.. i missed that stupid nut so much today.. maybe its because hes gotten further away.. not like he can get any further away.. but i cant talk to him for so long.. that makes me so sad :( makes me miss him even more.. stupid NUT! sigghhh so i ended up hugging teddy the whole day.. grouching and mumbling and sighing... and really wanting this and that.. cravings.. thai sweet sticky rice desert =( missing you.. and missing the deserts =P hahahah!

oh well.. i hope my nut is having a lot of fun.. and that hes happy.. cause if hes always happy.. i will be happy for him too =) teddy will do daily reports for me =P hehehe.. soo nut! stay happy okay?

and chipmunk will love you forever. =)

sigghh i just cant help feeling emo again tonight, it just feels like a part of me missing, and i m really stuck, dont know what to do, dont feel like doing anything again.. maybe its time for gym tmr.. before all the emoness builds up in me.. sigghh first, i dont know why im writing in this blog.. the only person that reads it is you and me..

On another note.. my idea of never having kids is reinforced today by witnessing caesarian and vaginal delivery videos.. HORRIBLY live like in hospital.. lol.. ended up cringing nearly through all of SG session.. URRGHHHH.. and im like thankful for my mum who gave up everything for me and all.. but seriously.. nah.. not interested in giving up anything esp my job.. for those little parasites that suck nutrients off their mums and control their lives afterwards by crying a hellll LOT.. seriously.. ANNOYING bums.. haha.. =P i was one just ten years ago.. and i cant imagine how mum dealt with me.. LOL =P now thinking back on it.. woulda been funner if i had been a bigger bum =) HAHA.. lol okay thats mean.. hehe..

Of all things tonight i really started thinking about all the what ifs.. what if i didnt know you, what would i be doing tonight? What would i be thinking of? what would my life be? What if i knew you but didnt fall in love with you? or what if i knew you, loved you, but didnt choose to go out with you. Would i still be driving myself this crazy at the slightest possible chance that we might be together in the end? what if this doesnt work out? and the last what if.. what if you dont love me anymore? sigghhh i dont know why im thinking all of this.. why all the uncertainties..

I feel as if our lives are swapped around.. im the one thinking a hell lot more this time.. and i thought last time was bad.. last time it was the stress.. but it was still finding someone else to be there.. and missing the real person who i was supposed to be with.. :( man how did things turned out this way.. ive always had the impression that i would be strong enough to make it out on my own, dont need a guy next to me, even if a guy does like me.. well he can, but i can imagine myself not needing him in most ways.. but then this guy.. crazily got my heart.. and now i can list almost a million reasons why i need him there for me.. why i love him so much.. why he makes me so sad.. and i can no longer go back to being that independent girl that thinks she can take on the world.. that thinks no guy can get her down. yet clearly this guy comes along and easily knocks her over.. now she cant stand up again :(

well, i have to admit it, i like being the independent girl more, than the girl crying on the floor.. i like the old me, that didnt get hurt by anyone, who knew what to do without asking anyone, who had a clear mind.. yet that stupid girl.. after falling down, she still cant see clearly how to get back up on her feet..

Now being the fallen girl, i think i ll just sit here and cry.. cause i cant see whats happened to me, i cant see that a good thing has resulted from my fall.. cant see the angel that swept me away.. neither can i see the fact that life on the ground is better.. :(

Sigghhh :( please let me get up.. i wanna get back on my feet.. and continue my life.. maybe when i stand up i can see what it was like being on the floor.. maybe then i ll wish for myself to fall down again :(

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot me..

Wow.. its been long since i blogged.. but i guess i still love this blog.. cause it reminds me of my horrid childhood that now i can laugh at it.. heh.. i didnt turn out too bad i think =) hehe
Sighh.. just yesterday i was feeling so emo.. about someone being so far away.. yet today im kinda happy cause frisbee was awesome =P i caught so many goals.. girls get double points so they kept looking for me in the endzone =) haha..

Anyway.. im glad to say ive you.. despite all the pain.. despite all the loneliness and sadness.. its awesome being with you, and im super happpy while youre here.. so baby. dont you ever go away =P cause every bit of my heart belongs to you. and yes im talking about you =P=P hehe..

Mm.. thank you for being a part of my life.. thank you for making me who i am. and thank you for all those memories that i will cherish forever.. Whoever tries to steal them will have to pry them out of my stone cold hands.. and then get a slap across their face =P ahahhaah!

Gooood night!