sigghh i just cant help feeling emo again tonight, it just feels like a part of me missing, and i m really stuck, dont know what to do, dont feel like doing anything again.. maybe its time for gym tmr.. before all the emoness builds up in me.. sigghh first, i dont know why im writing in this blog.. the only person that reads it is you and me..

On another note.. my idea of never having kids is reinforced today by witnessing caesarian and vaginal delivery videos.. HORRIBLY live like in hospital.. lol.. ended up cringing nearly through all of SG session.. URRGHHHH.. and im like thankful for my mum who gave up everything for me and all.. but seriously.. nah.. not interested in giving up anything esp my job.. for those little parasites that suck nutrients off their mums and control their lives afterwards by crying a hellll LOT.. seriously.. ANNOYING bums.. haha.. =P i was one just ten years ago.. and i cant imagine how mum dealt with me.. LOL =P now thinking back on it.. woulda been funner if i had been a bigger bum =) HAHA.. lol okay thats mean.. hehe..

Of all things tonight i really started thinking about all the what ifs.. what if i didnt know you, what would i be doing tonight? What would i be thinking of? what would my life be? What if i knew you but didnt fall in love with you? or what if i knew you, loved you, but didnt choose to go out with you. Would i still be driving myself this crazy at the slightest possible chance that we might be together in the end? what if this doesnt work out? and the last what if.. what if you dont love me anymore? sigghhh i dont know why im thinking all of this.. why all the uncertainties..

I feel as if our lives are swapped around.. im the one thinking a hell lot more this time.. and i thought last time was bad.. last time it was the stress.. but it was still finding someone else to be there.. and missing the real person who i was supposed to be with.. :( man how did things turned out this way.. ive always had the impression that i would be strong enough to make it out on my own, dont need a guy next to me, even if a guy does like me.. well he can, but i can imagine myself not needing him in most ways.. but then this guy.. crazily got my heart.. and now i can list almost a million reasons why i need him there for me.. why i love him so much.. why he makes me so sad.. and i can no longer go back to being that independent girl that thinks she can take on the world.. that thinks no guy can get her down. yet clearly this guy comes along and easily knocks her over.. now she cant stand up again :(

well, i have to admit it, i like being the independent girl more, than the girl crying on the floor.. i like the old me, that didnt get hurt by anyone, who knew what to do without asking anyone, who had a clear mind.. yet that stupid girl.. after falling down, she still cant see clearly how to get back up on her feet..

Now being the fallen girl, i think i ll just sit here and cry.. cause i cant see whats happened to me, i cant see that a good thing has resulted from my fall.. cant see the angel that swept me away.. neither can i see the fact that life on the ground is better.. :(

Sigghhh :( please let me get up.. i wanna get back on my feet.. and continue my life.. maybe when i stand up i can see what it was like being on the floor.. maybe then i ll wish for myself to fall down again :(

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot me..