There are some things I wish I never have to face up to, some things i never have to think about, some things i never have to do.. but life being shitty, i have to do them, have to get through them. Its best that i stick to my guns, and just DO them. sighhh.. what is life then? the nice things that people say it is, is it really? =(=( THere comes a time when i ve just HAD enough.. sick of everything :( wish that it ll all go away.. pleeeease??? pretty please :(:(

I dont wanna think about it anymore.. sleeping pills and good nights for me..

-C

This time I know this love is real,
So strong, so deep in me, I can feel.
The promise we have, our little deal,
what happens, only time can reveal.
- To Fatty =)

Really baby? life isn't fair? of all the people in the world, someone put us 2 together.. ( i blame eugene HAHA) and even though someone gave us all the problems in the world, isn't it easier for us to go through them together? well thats unless IM the problem =) HAHA. but when you have so many things to worry about, i kinda realised that youre NOT the problem, but youre my solution to all the problems, the only reason why im keeping myself going, the only reason why im still caring. If not its SCREW THIS WORLD! >< mm haha.. anyway, NUT! hang in there =) dont start rolling off the cliff and making me chase you.. because you know, you got fatter, and i lost weight, you ll roll down faster than me HAHAHAHAH =P and bounce of a coupla rocks on the way too.. HAHAHAHAHA!! =)

-Chipmunk

Remember lion king? yup.. from kindy and primary school.. Love will find a way =) hehe..

Insomnia again. It's 1am and I'm feeling so awake. Even when I feel tired I don't want to sleep, and when I wake up I don't want to get out of bed. I guess I just dont want to close my eyes and wake up to another depressing day.. Exactly like the morning you were leaving and the night after you left now I think about it. There's nothing to look forward to and the day after the next just gets darker and darker. Maybe it's dad being sick with no apparent sign of recovery, or that exams are around the corner and I'm worried I wont make it, or perhaps it's me still missing you and coping with you gone.. Either way I've lost the motivation to drive me forward, the reason to make me believe things will get better. You were always that bright star in the sky giving me hope, and without you I'm lost again.

Sighh life isn't fair, even you are surrounded by problems of your own, probably even more than me :( Still, I'm sure we'll get past this stressful period and in 3-4 weeks time, this would be a past memory with faded emotions. For now, we'll have to hang in there and stay strong, just as we always have.

Loving and missing you, more than you'll ever know.

Yours Always,
-NUT :)

Baby it's you,
together with me
baby hold my hand,
forever till the end.

Baby its you,
forever with me.
Baby take my heart,
forever we will be.

We walked through the park,
from sunset till dark
footprints left behind,
memories in my mind.

The way you looked at me,
the way you stole my hand
Its time to let things be
don't worry they ll be fine

Doesn't it sound like a song? HAHA =)
Love you!

-C

Mm, i feel so much better now, chuck away the mountain pile of tissues, and i m feeling better. Thanks mishy! =) for the big candy also =)=)

Sigh.. blogging is one thing, you can only do it when theres something on your mind, something that you really wanna get off, something you just wanna chuck onto this thing.. just you know.. offload.. sigghh.. todays one of those days i feel like offloading.. it kinda started off fine, i was smiling when i went off to school, felt like we were close, felt like i was close to you, and then after awhile, sydney kinda drew me back to where i was, HERE.. right HERE, and hows this close to you? even while watching himym, i keep seeing lily and marshall, robin and don, and i get all sad and teary, because you aint here. :( and i feel so alone.. I guess deb being away kinda adds to it. It's so different with her away.. sigghh yet when she's here, i have to TRY not to cry, but when she's not, all my emotions just fly out. I just feel like I need a good cry, a good offloading session.

I kinda have a confession, well it's kinda, maybe big.. but you know the first time when i came back in feb, i really couldn't deal with you being away, it was quite bad, well they are all bad. And the internet at that hotel thing didnt work, i panicked, begged the lady and she gave me internet. Then i clearly remembered, i went out for dinner, came home, talked awhile and cried myself to sleep. Because i didnt know what to do.. its like all of a sudden im lost. And im not at home. When i went home to Melbourne in 09, i kinda at least had my bed, my stuff toys, the environment i knew. But in '10, i had this weird hotel, with ONE bed, im meant to share a bed with Deb? lOL not used to sharing a bed with ANYONE FULL STOP. And so that night, i really could only think of one thing to do. Pretend we broke up. pretend i dont have feelings for you anymore. Well for awhile, that helped. I kept my heart firmly closed for about a week, pretending you were just some.. friend.. pretending i didnt love you. But now when i think about it, i actually do.. i still loved you throughout that time when i was lost, still smiled at the comp screen while talking to you, even through the stress, i still felt like.. you were a part of me. you were someone i HAD to talk to, HAD to find out how you were, Had to know how your day went.. and yet i was trying to convince myself that was a breakup.. no way..

Now, today, i wish i could think of it as we broke up, no more feelings. But its never gonna happen. I love you so much baby, and i miss you so much its tearing me up :( I just really wanna tell you, baby, till the end of time, i ll be here for you. Dont miss me so much k? It sucks being this sad.. and ive tried helping myself, believe me, i ve tried. But at least a bit of this still reminds me how much i love you, reminding me what we have is so strong, even tearing me up..

Sigghh.. i aint done crying yet. Maybe at the end of this i ll see a rainbow.. i hope so.

Miss you baby, especially much tonight. You cant possibly miss me more.

Nites.

You know in life, things come your way, whether you like it or not, Things just happen. Shitty things, good things, sometimes awesome things, sometimes just not so good things.. Well.. its all about getting used to it, adapting, changing, and continue life the way it was.. Taking all these into your stride. and keep going. Right?

Haha, over the top a little bit, but when you actually do it, it kinda tones down into a normal level of living life.. and thats where i used to be..

After this holiday, i just kinda forgotten what my life here was.. came back, i was like a lost little goldfish that just came home from exploring the ocean.. suddenly forgot what the tank was like.. and why so small and so shitty.. but actually, i love my tank, just the way it is. And i ve just gotta accept it that the ocean is a great place, and i ll be back soon.. to see my other half in the other ocean.. but still.. now i live in the tank, and im still just as happy =)

Mm.. funny thing is, I have learnt to accept things, accept that you love me, and accept that i love you just as much. Accept that we are so far away, and accept that things cant change (unless i... pass some test LOL) but no thats not happening, and for now.. i aint stuck, its just the way things are, and i have to accept that..

Baby, you say you have troubles accepting, but its really easy.. and i think you ve kinda done it already.. before i accepted things, a little bit of triggering things can make me cry. say i was playing cards with deb, triggers memories.. and everything touches sensitive spots in my head.. and tears just roll down.. uncontrollably.. but now.. i can tell myself, i accept that youre so far away, and im fine.. and thats when i START to accept things.. because im sure if i told myself that a few times i d still break down and cry..

baby, no one can accept things overnight, but i think we re doing just fine =)Love you for being you, and for making me so happy! =)

-C

Lately, I've been blocking out the world around me, content to stay stuck in my room moping around and ignoring the things that need to be done, looking away from to the things that should be seen. It's like I'm creating my own little bubble that nothing can penetrate; no pain, no worries, no happiness. I've turned a cold shoulder to reality, reluctant to face the fact that you're thousands of miles away again.. just as I've avoided thinking about spending 2years apart from you. I know eventually I'll have to face it, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I decide that things can't be blotted out just by procrastinating, and that it's time to come to terms with them. Soon the day will come that I must face the harsh facts, accept the emotions that I'm shutting out.. and feel the pain that will tear my heart out.

Okay I'm starting to sound seriously depressing.. sorry baby =/ (I blame you for making me emo =P) Point is baby, when it comes to accepting this.. I guess you're the one who needs to help me. Coz as you can see, I'm not actually dealing with it either.

-A

There are some places where no one can ever touch, some places that always belong to you. No matter what things are, no one can ever take everything away from you. No matter how hard my life his now, its nothing compared to the world outside, The world im gonna have to face one day, the world im gonna have to live in.

But no matter what, i shall always keep that part in me to myself. it will always be mine.

Mm.. that was from an awesome movie i watched today, taught me about friends, about the people you cant live without, and a thing about hope. Sigh, makes me miss you all the more.. I can't imagine already thinking about my life with you.. mm.. today, i guess.. well now, i reallly miss you, wish i can tell you how much i love you. (shoot i better not cry, deb is outside haha), wish i can tell you how important you are, and youre the memory in me that no one can ever steal. I love you baby.. always =)

Hi Baby! =)

I shall just imagine youre invisible for now, and still talk to you =P ohh you know.. today.. i didnt go for lects right, deb woke up, PANICKED, i feel so bad now.. shes relying on my alarm to wake her up.. ahh well.. i was totally chilled this morning, until she smsed awhile later, saying The hard lecture was the FIRST one.. and for a second i also panicked.. but im like meh.. nothing i can do, even if i rush like siao i still only make the last 5 minutes. you know.. its no biggie.. uni focuses on SELF directed learning crap.. so i had a relaxing brekkie, washed up, and slowly cracked down on the hard lecture.. turns out it wasnt so hard after all! and if you were still here, id finish up and go back to sleep =) HEH! take another day off work or sth =)=) hehe.. anyway, now that that's done, im feeling on top of the world yippee! i shall go cook lunch and watch himym.. cheer me up a little.. i feel like talking to you 24/7.. you know how we re so close and all that.. NS IS gonna be a pain.. the not talking to you, the distance is gonna really kill me :( sigghh i aint looking forward to that, 3 weeks of TOTALLY not talking to you.. BABYY!!! i hate you again =) hehehe...

Okay, time for MY TIME, relaxing =)

BYEEE LOVEE YOUUU!!! FAT NUT! =)

My heart has never felt a thing,
Until I met this girl.
She made me laugh, she made me smile,
She overturned my world.

I never expected it to come this far,
it was a twist of fate.
Brought us together, forever and ever,
My one and only soulmate.

I love you baby, you're my everything. ♥

P.S. I didn't know how to save it in your profile =X

I LOVE YOU, and I MISS YOU, and I WANNA BE WITH YOU. thats all thats on my mind.. oh apart from the I DONT WANNA DO ANYTHING, and i so wanna tell that facilitator to F off.. cause shes effing annoying with all her bullshitttt! sigghh.. i ve been thinking so much, my tears stop rolling, yet i feel the same even when im crying.. i just cbs with the blocked nose and the red eyes.. sore eyes after awhile.. NAH.. EFF that! baby, im done crying for you, but i still feel you everywhere, youre just not here.. and thats not fair.. when people die, i see patients die ( not yet, but i will), i can imagine the pain in their family for losing that person, but it is FIXED, theres nothing to be done about it.. and then after a year, or 2, most of the family still think of the deceased, but in a good way, as in they were there, they shared their lives, but now theyre gone, but its okay, because at least i still have my memories etc..

Now.. it feels like youre gone, i have my memories, but i cant get over the fact that youre gone, because youre still here, you still talk to me everyday, not to the extent htat youre dead, but like.. coma? and all the times that i see you in my dreams, or talk to you on msn.. thats become my LIFE, eveyrthing else.. doesnt matter anymore.. cept that that IS my life, and if i dont pick myself up and keep walking, im SCREWED for ever.. sigghh.. its so difficult sometimes, but i still love you so much =)

Some say youre my other half,
but i think youre my whole
Baby, only you can make me laugh,
I ll love you till youre old =)

OLD because you ll be grumpy later.. hehe and not panic when i m dying =)

LOVE YOU SO MUCH