Sigh.. blogging is one thing, you can only do it when theres something on your mind, something that you really wanna get off, something you just wanna chuck onto this thing.. just you know.. offload.. sigghh.. todays one of those days i feel like offloading.. it kinda started off fine, i was smiling when i went off to school, felt like we were close, felt like i was close to you, and then after awhile, sydney kinda drew me back to where i was, HERE.. right HERE, and hows this close to you? even while watching himym, i keep seeing lily and marshall, robin and don, and i get all sad and teary, because you aint here. :( and i feel so alone.. I guess deb being away kinda adds to it. It's so different with her away.. sigghh yet when she's here, i have to TRY not to cry, but when she's not, all my emotions just fly out. I just feel like I need a good cry, a good offloading session.

I kinda have a confession, well it's kinda, maybe big.. but you know the first time when i came back in feb, i really couldn't deal with you being away, it was quite bad, well they are all bad. And the internet at that hotel thing didnt work, i panicked, begged the lady and she gave me internet. Then i clearly remembered, i went out for dinner, came home, talked awhile and cried myself to sleep. Because i didnt know what to do.. its like all of a sudden im lost. And im not at home. When i went home to Melbourne in 09, i kinda at least had my bed, my stuff toys, the environment i knew. But in '10, i had this weird hotel, with ONE bed, im meant to share a bed with Deb? lOL not used to sharing a bed with ANYONE FULL STOP. And so that night, i really could only think of one thing to do. Pretend we broke up. pretend i dont have feelings for you anymore. Well for awhile, that helped. I kept my heart firmly closed for about a week, pretending you were just some.. friend.. pretending i didnt love you. But now when i think about it, i actually do.. i still loved you throughout that time when i was lost, still smiled at the comp screen while talking to you, even through the stress, i still felt like.. you were a part of me. you were someone i HAD to talk to, HAD to find out how you were, Had to know how your day went.. and yet i was trying to convince myself that was a breakup.. no way..

Now, today, i wish i could think of it as we broke up, no more feelings. But its never gonna happen. I love you so much baby, and i miss you so much its tearing me up :( I just really wanna tell you, baby, till the end of time, i ll be here for you. Dont miss me so much k? It sucks being this sad.. and ive tried helping myself, believe me, i ve tried. But at least a bit of this still reminds me how much i love you, reminding me what we have is so strong, even tearing me up..

Sigghh.. i aint done crying yet. Maybe at the end of this i ll see a rainbow.. i hope so.

Miss you baby, especially much tonight. You cant possibly miss me more.

Nites.